Dining Under the Stars

The squirrel had a wonderful meal last night. There were walnuts and hazelnuts followed by a lovely crisp cucumber. The squirrel also made off with the dish. It is nice to know that the little tyke is well nourished.
Yesterday was fried chicken and tomatoes I have been frying chicken with a liberal dose of chili powder and garlic powder and cumin on each side. It develops a wonderful crisp black crust on the skin that has no taste of being burned. The meat is very good and the skin is heaven. Along with sliced fresh tomatoes, this is a very good dish.
I wonder how it would be with fried squirrel?

Rain on Me

Yesterday I went for another walk in the rain. It reminded me of the Stevenson poem in "A Child's Garden of Verses". That collection also has "The Swing" which is probably the most powerful poem that I have ever read.
My feet got wet and I am sitting here with a small mountain of soggy tissues. I don't think that I have a cold but it can't be allergies. I am only allergic to two things and have been in contact with neither. I don't think that pollen can be a problem with so much rain.
I had to harvest most of the ripe tomatoes as they were beginning to split from all of the rain. Yesterday I made a fresh tomato sauce and it is quite good. I think that the quite good comes from the beef bones I put into it. They had been in the freezer for some time and slowly released their goodness to the long cooking sauce. Today I will try to clean out the freezer as I realized yesterday that there is very little room left in it and most of the things there are anonymous.
I think that the rain is over for a while. The Moon filled the bedroom with its light and cast shadows.
Yesterday I came upon a fat little squirrel chomping away on the cucumbers. It is just my luck to live near the world's only Vegan squirrel. I put a dish of walnuts and hazelnuts on his path to the cucumbers and hope that that will deter him. Sure it will! Today there will probably be fifty squirrels on the porch, clammering for more nuts and munching away on cucumbers while they wait. I have tried many times to outthink a squirrel and have never been successful. The only remedy for a squirrel infestation is a great big hawk. I hope that there are none in the neighborhood as I am very fond of watching the little darlings go about their business. Perhaps a little walnut vinagrette would go well on the cucumbers. That might keep them away or at least aid their digestion.

Damp and Cool

It is damp and cool here. This is my favorite kind of weather. I have been able to sleep with a blanket for several nights and I am wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Yesterday I went for a walk in the gentle, cool rain. I didn't go far as the tempo of the rain began to increase. I did make it to the library and got some books that I may have read before. That is one of the joys of having a failing memory. Books that you have thoroughly enjoyed before can be enjoyed again. The memory is improving though. I think that the mental exercises are helping. It is a task to do them but it seems to be helping. Balance seems to be the only problem now.

Before Sunrise

Each morning I awaken before the Sun rises. I have one or two strong cups of coffee and watch the horizon begin to brighten and the bats begin their journey home. A freight train passes through town about that time each morning. The lonesomeness of its call reminds me of when I worked in Texas and was so effected by the lonesome cry of a train passing through town. I was far away from home and missed it so.
What did people do before there was coffee for the morning? We all owe much to that Ethiopian goat herder. It seems to sharpen the mind and stimulate the body.
Speaking of sharpening the mind, yesterday I drew another one of my blanks. There was something that I should have easily remembered and could not bring to mind. I told myself that this situation was ridiculous and sat and dug through my mind. It was not easy as the thing that I was trying to remember was flitting ahead of my search and eluding the tendrils I was casting forth to grasp it. I dug and I dug and lo and behold I reached out mentally and grabbed it by the foot. It just flickered into my grasp like a fidditch. I had done it.
I have lately just let such a situation, and there has been more than one, go and told myself not to worry about it. This time I said enough is enough and began digging. It is reassuring to know that the capacity for recall is still there if enough diligence is applied. The formula for voltage drop on co-axial cable is gone forever but it is pleasant to inventory so many of the memories associated with my children. I didn't do much with my life but I was a Daddy! It is enough.

Scary Dreams

Last night was full of scary dreams. The dreams were not terrifying but they were scary for me.
I was in a very small church in Salem Massachusetts. I was with an old dear friend, whose name in the dream was Mrs. Davidson but that is not her name in reality, and had lost my glasses and shoes. It was raining and my feet were getting wet and I could not find my shoes as I had lost my glasses. It was not Mrs. Davidson from Warehouse 13.
The lady that was called Mrs. Davidson in the dream and I parted company many years ago on not very amicable terms. Why were we so blissful in the dream, I kept wondering if she had an ulterior motive. Her personality in real life is much like the Mrs. Davidson in Warehouse13.
No shoes in God's house, Moses would understand. Not being able to see clearly, I wonder how that relates to being in a small Protestant sect's church.
Salem Massachusetts on Friday the thirteenth? I have been there on Hallow'een and would never go there again on that day. It is a madhouse.
I have read that dreams are wishes that the mind makes. I would wish for none of the aforementioned things. Mrs. Davidson in real life is a wonderful person but always has some sort of scheme or plan going on in the background. The bliss would not be worth the constant uncertainty.
The bliss that I have now is simple. My life is simple, lonely but simple. I have no complications or worries. I guess that I will just "Ease on Down the Road".
That thought brings to mind an old Country and Western song that could be my motto. "Cigarettes and whiskey, and wild wild women, they'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane" If you are lucky.
There is another song "I'm a rambler, I'm a gambler, I'm a long way from home, and if you don't like me then leave me alone. I eat when I'm hungry, I drink when I'm dry, and if moonshine don't kill me I'll live till I die.". That is too long for a motto but the pathos of Country music never fails to move me.

Testing, 1, 2, 3.

Sometimes, when I am lying in bed, my head gets overrun with unrelated thoughts. Sometimes these thoughts are not thoughts but they are dreams. The difference between thoughts and dreams is not apparent to me. I would see a Doctor about it but the Doctor I would choose will not be a Doctor for several weeks.
Last night's controversy was somewhat reassuring. To think that a dolt such as me could even have such thoughts. It revolved around the question of whether the Deity still tests us or whether the Deity has abandoned testing us. After thousands of years and billions of stiff necks, has the Deity finally run out of F's?
In times gone by if you looked out the window and saw hundreds of bellicose Phillistines in your yard, you could be pretty sure that you were being tested. Now I think that we are being allowed to test ourselves. The test that I am undergoing is pretty self-evident.
The man on the first floor, the landlord, does not appear to be a very nice man. He does several things that test my patience and restraint.
A while ago I brought him some Swedish Meatballs that I had made. He was in the kitchen making Hamburger Helper. HE IS FRENCH! I wanted to scream. He is the only Frenchman I have ever met that would eat such crap. To have such a heritage of culinary excellence and abandon it is heresy. Not only that but he never brought the bowl back There I was bringing him something that I had spent a great deal of time preparing and ther he was making Hamburger Helper. I left immediately, not wanting to watch him slather the meatballs with ketchup. I am sure that the only thing about this incident that remains in his mind is that he got a free bowl out of it.
The man has a grandson who is about three or four. The boy is a very nice bright and pleasant little boy. The grandfather takes care of him during the day as the boy's Mother is not there. She probably has to work. The grandfather spends most of the day hollering at the boy. "Don't do this and Don't do that and Stop that.". I was there one day when the boy fell down the stairs and had cut his lip. I went over to comfort him and the grandfather became incensed.
"Leave him alone! I told him to hold the railing. He has got to learn to suffer the consequences of his actions. If you baby him he will never learn to be a man. He will become a sissy!". Because he is the landlord, I held my mouth and let it be. The boy is only three or four! The man has at least five children and they never come to visit. It must have been hard for them. I met his son and he is really a basket case. He is not a sissy but he is a very confused man.
Each day the landlord sits on the porch and listens to Rush Limbaugh. Because he is a little hard of hearing he has the volume turned very high. I am not hard of hearing and the trash that comes from that radio program infuriates me. Then the landlord later expounds to me all of the wonderful knowledge he has accumulated.
Is this the test? I hold my peace, I smile, and I try to be nice to the man. Am I passing the test or am I simply knuckling under because he is the landlord? D-.
The neighbors in the back are motorcycle people. They are very nice but they crank up their Harleys at all hours of the day and night. Yesterday I brought them some tomatoes and salad greens. I was young once and the day that I finally had some mufflers installed on my car, the lady next door sent me a Thank You card. B-?
The man that owns the convenience store down the street is from Bangladesh. He is a Moslem and yesterday we had a long conversation about Ramadan. I don't think that I could complete such a holiday. We spoke of the Deity. He has the same opinion that I do. There is One God. One god of many names in different areas of the world and different cultures. One God, many names.
I like the man very much. Is it because he has the same opinions as me? C-.
So the testing continues. It will fill a lifetime. There are no Phillistines in our yards, unless we live on Wall Street or near a law school, so we will be tested by the petty annoyances that are only annoyances because of the way we personally think. If we think that someone is rude or uneducated, perhaps we should send them a card thanking them for their presence. A+. It doesn't change anything but it just might brighten the day of a fellow human being.
I have never met another human that I thought was evil. They might be different from me but I am also different from them and therefore we will all journey together down life's paths. Perhaps I will find their footsteps on my paths. Perhaps they will find mine on their paths. The only good thing about having a stiff neck is that you are capable of bearing heavy burdens.
Stand up straight, smile, and whistle a happy tune. That pain in your neck might soon go away because you are the only one that perceives it. It comes from you, not anyone else.

I Ain't Heavy

Yesterday my Brother took me to the grocery store. He was feeling very poorly but took me to the store anyway. He has been wonderful to me over the past years. Twice he took me in when I had no place else to go. He found jobs for me when I had no income. When he and his wife moved, they arranged for me to have their apartment. That apartment was one of the nicest places that I have ever lived. It was up high and only twenty yards from the edge of the ocean. He was instrumental in my getting the job driving the taxi, probably the best job that I have ever had.
When I had the stroke, he and his darling wife got an ambulance for me, arranged for my rehabilitation, took me into their home (for the third time) and cared for me, and helped me to find the place where I live now. I don't know what I would have done without the support of him and his wonderful wife. She has the patience of an angel and put up with my strange ways without ever complaining. The poor woman, was stuck alone in the country with two Swedes. She will go straight to heaven as she has served her time in purgatory.
My Brother is a tower of strength and scruples. He is probably the most moral person that I have known since my Father passed away. He looks like my Father, he acts like my Father, and he has the same perception of the ridiculous that my Father had.
I can't praise his wife enough. She has put up with me so many times and for such length. I have only known three women in my life that have done so. The first two each eventually reached their limit and tossed me out. Both were more than justified in doing so. I think of my Brother's wife as a contemporary to the wife in "Death of the Hired Hand".
I often wonder if I will ever find love again. Then I think of my Brother and his wife and know that there is no need to wonder, it is just a few miles from me.

Median of Emotion

The premonitions of yesterday were groundless. Today is a middle of the road affair. There were no anguishing dreams, I don't think that there were any dreams at all. I am hoping that yesterday was the nadir of my emotional state. It is very unusual for me to have highs and lows of emotion. I am usually a flat-liner emotionally. That is as close to flat-lining that I want to get.
Diet may have something to do with all of this adoo. Yesterday I made enough ratatouille for four people and ate all of it myself. I will try to include many more vegetables in my diet. Yesterday included avoiding my old nemesis and that also may have had something to do with the extreme low fading.

After All These Years

Emotion has not been part of my life for many years. Too many hurts, too many disappointments, and too many tears brought me to that state. Don't get involved and you won't get hurt. So I don't know what has been happening over the past two days.
] Yesterday was filled with euphoria. I even went to the library and got a copy of a book I had read long ago. I had forgotten the story line of the book.
When I read the book years ago, I was a different person and had not experienced many of the traumas of life. I read the book today and was overcome by the story line. It wasn't the whole book, it was just one incident that happened in the book. Slowly the darkness started to seep into my mind. It will pass I am sure but for the moment things are dark and seem hopeless.
I have always thought that I have tasted the best that life has to offer. As I sit and reflect now, the taste is of ashes. I don't relish the dreams that are bound to occur tonight.

Comforting Dreams

Dreams play a large part in my life. Most of them can be quite disturbing. The most prevalent are related to being late for work or back in the Army. I really don't like being late for anything. For a partially rehabilitated control freak, being in the Army was torturous. A soldier has about as much self control as Howdy Doody did.
Some dreams can be so comforting that when you awaken, you want to go back to sleep and snuggle in the comfort of the dream. Last night had such a dream.
I have always been ambivalent about God. I am Old Testament oriented. I once took a test about my religious beliefs and the result stated that I would be most comfortable as an Orthodox Jew or a Bahia or a Quaker. I never pursued the results as I was raised in my Mother's faith and feel it would be a betrayal to her to change anything.
God can be very scary to me. Not as scary as angels, the Diety's Leg Breakers, but scary in the potential retribution God can impose. I have done a lot of reading about religion. I realize that much of the Old Testament has precedents in the Mesopotamian and Canaanite religions. I have read parts of the Torah and the Koran and the religions of India and see so many similarities.
Several years ago I read that God tried to kill Moses and failed. That really set off my fear bells. There was poor Moses who was addressed by an omnipotent diety, "Take off your shoes before you come into the living room.", my Mother would have been proud. God, all powerful and incapable of erring, failed! Moses was the only witness. Moses must have wet himself. Witnesses have a habit of disappearing. Moses's mission was to go and threaten Pharoah, another risky occupation.
Last night I had a different dream. The dream simply consisted of God walking in the Garden in the morning when the dew is on the plants, the air is gentle and cool, and the birds are singing. I have done this many times and enjoy the comfort that it brings. A gentle God, walking in the Garden in the Morning, something I can identify with.
Of course this was before He stumbled on His beloved children. "I gave you one rule, not a hundred, and allowed you to do anything that you wanted, and you had to go and break that one rule!". He must have been so proud when Adam, the man he had created, manned up and said "The woman made me do it!".
So there is now comfort. No fire and brimstone and plagues and invaders, just the comfort of a gentle walk in the garden. The Thunderers and roarers and retributerors of the other religions are laid to rest. A walk in the Garden, is that what Paradise will be all about?
The morning mist, the dew on the plants, a gentle breeze, and the melodies of birds are something to look forward to. Of course, having lived my life as I have, I am more likely to be invited to a nice backyard barbeque than a walk in the Garden. That flaming sword at the entrance would be too easy to convert into a nils-kabob.
Thank You for the dream. It is comforting and comforting is all that I really need.

Edible Chili, Finally

Yesterday I made chili. It is edible, finally! I used cubed beef instead of ground. I didn't empty the whole spice and herb cabinet into it. It is resting in the refrigerator now and will have the final touch-ups to it today. I cut way back on the chili powder, six tablespoons is too much, and increased the amount of cumin, to me the taste of chili is the taste of cumin, and simmered all of it with tomatoes for about four hours. I had it with rice and chopped fresh onion and a lot of cheese. It was presentable but the real test will come today. A good pot of chili needs a day to rest.
I also cooked up some pinto beans in another pot. Here the dumping of the herbs and spices got their day. Cilantro and parsley and chili peppers and basil from the garden went in also. Onion and garlic and carrots from the refrigerator made their debut also. I had a ham bone and some ham scraps in the freezer and they plopped in also. I haven't tasted the beans yet but I think that they will be too salty from the ham. If they are, in will go some potatoes and beef broth to cut the salt and the result will be bean soup. I didn't add salt as I never salt anything that I cook unless it is stir-fry. The stir-fry gets blessed with soy sauce.
I learned an interesting thing yesterday. Vegetarians and Vegans eat oysters. It is because oysters have no nervous system and therefore can feel no pain and oysters are a sustainable resource. I have never been overly fond of oysters, Oysters Rockefeller are a huge exception, but I wonder if the same conditions apply to clams and scallops and mussels. I am very fond of all of them. I am not a big fan of steamers but fried clams, Clams Casino, fried scallops, and mussels in wine sauce make me think of those halcyon days living near New Bedford and having the pick of the finest seafood in the country. I will close now as the keyboard is getting a bit squishy from the drops of saliva.